After a morning final and an afternoon of studying and then dinner and a little more studying with four other women and then our evening final, I went to the library to study Greek without distraction. Distraction being this computer.
And I was sitting there in My Place, which is a nice-sized desk in the far corner of the reference room, next to a long and tall window, a Place I have staked out which provides me with a sense of coziness and solitude and a view of the outside world, not to mention also a view of the entire reference room and everyone who comes in just in case I need to socialize, and I was thinking, This is pretty nice.
And then I was wondering, Am I doing the right thing? Because I do love the studying part of my life, and I miss the teaching part, and I wondered, don't I want just to read and study and teach and spend a lot of my time in library corners?
And then I remembered a conversation with my spiritual director awhile back when he looked at me and said in some exasperation, Well, what do you want? And I sent him an email later and said, Well, I want everything. Sacraments teaching preaching spiritual direction interfaith dialogue caring for people planning hanging out organizing sharing I want everything.
So tonight I sat there in the library and thought Yes, I really like what I am doing right now. But I like everything else, too.
And I was sitting there in My Place, which is a nice-sized desk in the far corner of the reference room, next to a long and tall window, a Place I have staked out which provides me with a sense of coziness and solitude and a view of the outside world, not to mention also a view of the entire reference room and everyone who comes in just in case I need to socialize, and I was thinking, This is pretty nice.
And then I was wondering, Am I doing the right thing? Because I do love the studying part of my life, and I miss the teaching part, and I wondered, don't I want just to read and study and teach and spend a lot of my time in library corners?
And then I remembered a conversation with my spiritual director awhile back when he looked at me and said in some exasperation, Well, what do you want? And I sent him an email later and said, Well, I want everything. Sacraments teaching preaching spiritual direction interfaith dialogue caring for people planning hanging out organizing sharing I want everything.
So tonight I sat there in the library and thought Yes, I really like what I am doing right now. But I like everything else, too.
I like the library corner part of my life and I like the parts that may take me far, far from that corner. If life only weren't quite so . . . sequential.
When my children were little, I used to wish that they could be all ages at once so I could enjoy everything with them simultaneously. I guess I haven't changed much.
And so I have just addressed my sense of limitation by painting my fingernails bright red. I have to study some more, but my nails are red and I'm feeling good.
9 comments:
One of the many reasons I like being a priest is the opportunity to do everything....read, preach, teach, sacraments, counsel, play, study, blog, connect with all kinds of people...yeah, I love what God has called me to do....I think you are really gonna love it too! (even more than you already do)...which is not to say it is all easy. No. its hard work, often. But so is life. I still love it.
It's a very good thing to be well read/red......
(ba dum bum)
You DO want it all, don't you?
Go for it! :-]
I know that emotional place of which you speak. For me, the struggle is not letting "wanting it all" get in the way of living fully alive today. Peace to you.
This is just what I needed to read today, GG. Thank you.
Reminds me of a friend of mine. I'll never forget the time she THREW her arms open wide, and looking up, with SUCH enthusiasm, said "Yes, God, I want it all!! I want it all!!!"
Wow. It was one of the most life-affirming moments I've ever had.
She, and you, are in deep alignment with God, I think, who also WANTS us to have it all!! YES!
(thanks for praying for me, GG. I still need it very much)
You have a spiritual director? I would have thought you'd have asked ME.
Look who's back, sense of humor intact!
I kove it! you made me laugh! If all else fails, paint your nails. Especially bright red.
Little late checking in here but I could not resist. Someone once told me I "wanted too much." Well, maybe I do...but you know what, we are promised abundant life...why not claim it! We can have, IMHO, so much more than we often believe. The God of no-limits longs to expand ours.
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