Wednesday, October 04, 2006

A Deeply Spiritual Post

Have you noticed that you can no longer open the internet or glance at a magazine rack without being bombarded by headlines touting

THE BEST JEANS FIT FOR YOU!

or

DO YOU KNOW WHICH JEANS WILL MAKE YOU LOOK YOUR BEST?

or

THE BEST JEANS SOLTUIONS FOR YOUR FIGURE!

OK, here's what I think. (I realize no one cares, but that doesn't stop my thought process.) What I think is that jeans manufacturers are terrified. They are terrified that we will recognize that most of the new jeans silhouettes are so alarmingly unattractive on most women that we will simply stop purchasing them until the next improvement in fashion trends rolls around.

Rolls, you say? Ah, therein lies the dilemma. Most of us have them. The crisis over anorexic models has little applicability to the lives of most American women. (I realize that French women eat cheese to stay skinny, but they have obviously inherited DNA which differs from ours in some critical respect.)

We do not look good in tight jeans. No no no, we do not. There is no form of denim that adheres to a widened posterior in such a way as to render it several inches less expansive. There is no form of denim that slices thighs into waiflike remnants of themselves. Even Lorelai Gilmore looked just plain dreadful in her jeans last night.

We do not look good in lowrise jeans. That stuff around our middles? Nope, not meant to tumble out and over the waists of our jeans, especially from behind and especially when bare. It's MEANT to be securely squished and flattened behind discreetly full-coverage pants.

(I know whereof I speak. I had twins whose birthrate totaled 13-plus pounds. We in the Mothers-of-Multiples Profession call the remaining artifact Twin Skin. A challenge in camoflauge that I defy the U.S. Army to solve.)

We do not even look so good in boot-cut jeans. Come on, now. Get real. Tight jeans that flare out above the knee due to the -- ahem -- proportions of our thighs, and then flare out again below the knee due to the strategy of the designer? There is something appealing about this look? I don't THINK so.

My conclusion about the proliferation of jeans ads, and jeans ads disguised as editorial content, is simply this: the manufacturers and retail stores are laughing all the way to the bank over middle-aged women who have been deluded into thinking that our jeans make us look like our teenaged Lovely Daughters.

Me? I'm sticking with my basics, derived from cargoes and painter pants. I know they don't alter reality. But at least no one else has to look at it.

10 comments:

Paul said...

Did you really write this post, Robin? What's next? Thongs?

Quotidian Grace said...

Love it!

For it is written in the Book of Stacey:

"Behold, jeans are an abomination unto the Lord for women of a certain age. Get thee into some straight leg, regular rise khaki slacks. And make it snappy."

alphawoman said...

Haven't we been there done that on the jean scene? Don't mind Paul...he'd probably love a thong entry from you.

emmapeelDallas said...

I KNOW Paul would love a thong entry from you, but as another mother of twins, hey...I can relate to this.

Judi

Julia said...

I tried on some low waisted jeans (for a laugh?) and realized my grandma underwear were a good five inches higher than the jeans. A true sign that they were not for me.

Lisa :-] said...

Actually, the low-rise jeans (not TOO low rise) are better for me. When those tiny-waisted, way-up- under-your-armpits pants were in style, I had a hell of a time getting pants that fit. I do NOT have a tiny waist, and it is not that high. If I got jeans that I could button or snap, they ballooned like clown pants around my butt and thighs.

However, I can't DO the way low rise, because the half-century fat roll does blob out over the top...*sigh!*

Presbyterian Gal said...

I've heard tell that Lands End will make custom jeans for any figure type. But I have not tried this. This would require that I not only send my true measurements across the ether, but I'd actually have to admit what they are.

Carol said...

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! I came to these revelations years ago. Now it's the teenage daughter who wants her Mom to look younger and more hip. I keep reminding her that the "more hip", as well as belly, tush, and thighs, is part of the problem!

Cathy said...

I don't think jeans are that comfortable anyway. However, people love to be "allowed" to wear jeans to work on Friday. I don't get it.

sunflowerkat119 said...

The worst on me is anything with pleats. Makes me look like I've got twins due any day.

BLEH!

How about skinny jeans with embroidery all the way up the leg simulating a full body tattoo. Hey...it's a look!