Friday, March 10, 2006

Out of Sorts

I can't put my finger on it ~ I'm just in one of those states where I am completely on the outs with everything and everyone.
Is it the terrible day I had at work yesterday, bad from beginning to end?
Is it the website I visited where most of the posters were talking confidently about "God's will" as something reflected by even the worst things that happen ~ a belief that I do not share and that, when articulated, always leaves me depressed and angry?
Is it the frustrations of parenting college-age children who seem as incapable of "getting with the program" as their mother has always been?
Is it the fact that, while several people visit my blog every day, few of them bother to leave a comment, thereby leaving instead the nagging feeling that I am wasting my time by trying to put one word after another?
Is it reading repeatedly about situations in which the responses are the polar opposite of my own?
Is it the Bush administration?
Is it that someone yesterday sent me Romans 8:28 ("We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose"), a verse that turns my stomach every time I hear it, since it was first said to me by someone attempting to offer comfort during the lowest period of my life and has therefore become for me an emblem of bad timing and devastatingly exclusionary theology ?
Is it the realization that I have accomplished exactly nothing NOTHING nothing in my 52 years and that, while I have been attributing my pathetic inability to show anything for my existence to the realities of mothering as I have practiced it, which has meant many fitful starts and stops as I have tried repeatedly to find a satisfactory way of merging my aspirations with the practical realities of daily life, maybe the simple truth is that I just never get around to finishing a single damn thing because I am such an extreme example of whatever Myers-Briggs permutation can't get anything done?
I don't know which feels like it is slipping away faster, my control over the details of my life or my capacity for shaping it into anything remotely resembling a creative whole.
Well. I wonder if that made me feel better. I'm going to take a shower and go to work.


alphawoman said...

I don't think you are the only one feeling this way. I think there is something in the air. Maybe the tranistion from winter to spring. Unsettling.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are having such a bad day. I have to confess, lately I have been a non-comment reader, not sure why, it's just my state of mind. I do think you are selling yourself short though and that you have made a huge difference in the world but maybe the results just haven't surfaced yet. Have patience. {}

Lisa :-] said...

Do I have to pick one? :)

Globetrotter said...

The Bush administration has been responsible for much of my own malaise of late.

I couldn't even feel thankful yesterday, when I discovered that his poll ratings have reached an all-time low and his Dubai Ports deal is now dead in the water. I have been thinking that nothing, absolutely nothing can get me out of my present funk short of a time machine equipped with the software and hardware to transport me to a place and time of my own choosing. (Hmmm... Victorian England, I suppose, so I can wear romantic clothes and expose my nonexistent decolletage.)

The current state of my college graduates have also contributed to the feeling that I have done something terribly wrong in my parenting. But I've already mentioned that before, so I won't give you another redux.

You are selling yourself way short in saying you've accomplished nothing in 52 years. I've gleaned that you obviously are an exceedingly fine teacher from some of your posts. Few teachers ever receive feedback for their fine teaching, only the occasional lapse of judgment they may make.

Regarding the religious irritant ... yesterday I rec'd a phone call from a liberal friend that was going to a meeting to hear a rabbi speak about the religious right. She thought I might be interested in coming along and hearing him speak. I told her that if anyone can give a good lecture on the religious right-it's me, not a rabbi. Been there, done that, and though I have a deep inner conviction that everything is in fact going to come out right in the end, that belief has much more to do with a cockeyed-optimism than with any of the bullcrap I've learned in churches over the years.

I've had to think things through a bit to come to the conclusion that I ultimately believe in a good God because the sun shines every day and it feels good and warm.

Sorry to have gone off like that. I fear I've been rambling, as usual.

I hope you feel better. I do enjoy your blog and was incredibly impressed with your New Orleans series, but I sometimes go into a funk for days and have a really hard time leaving comments. It seems the only comments that have always been forthcoming for me were my casual flirtations with the single man writing. Sadly even that has become more difficult now that he's joined the North Shore, lol...

Flirting has always been easy for me. Coming to grips with a response to the amazing writings of people like yourself, Cynthia, Lisa and others has always challenged the part of me that feels mentally inferior and much less educated.

Keep writing woman, and go have a Mango Bango to celebrate Bush's latest nuclear giveaway to India.

Recipe: Rum, tequila, plus mangoes, coconut, banana and pineapple juice. Yummy!

TeaShe said...

Please quit feeling that way. Have you any idea what an inspiration you are to many of us? You are a woman of accomplishment, a multi-talented, level-headed, intelligent woman.
Eve..... and we need to get together and have lunch some day

Stacy said...

I think it is simply the time of year to feel out sorts. The long cold gray days of winter have gone on just a little too long. Hope you're feeling more optimistic soon.

Cynthia said...

I think this funk is contagious. So many people I know both on and off line are going through the same thing. I'm damn near struck mute lately and can't get my thoughts to come out well either in print or out loud. I really am sorry I don't comment more often, but I'd never miss an entry.

JourneyThroughLIfe said...

I just wanted to respond to one of your thoughts. I recently went through a thing myself about feeling as though no-one was bothering to leave any comments or even visit my blog anymore. Having received praise for it in the past, I couldn't understand it and was quite upset.

However, I realised the most important thing. I wasn't writing my blog for other people, I was writing it for myself. I didn't create it to receive comments. I didn't even know about the blog world at the time. I started it because I needed and wanted to. Discovering the blog community and receiving comments was a wonderful bonus!

When I realised this - that I was writing for myself and my own life's journey - I was able to get back to feeling good about it. I realised that comments are a wonderful bonus, but they don't determine how I feel about myself or my writing.

I pop into your blog and enjoy what I read even though I may not always comment.
Stay focused on why you write and keep on writing - for you!

emmapeelDallas said...

Sometimes I feel as if you can read my mind, because I so relate to what you write, and this is one of those entries. I've been feeling very similar for some time now, and so it was a selfish relief for me to read your words. You are SO accomplished...such a terrific writer/mother/wife/friend...I know this from the things that you write, without ever having met have accomplished much, and you'll accomplish much more. The stuff with the kids will get better, but it takes oldest is 30, and so I know a little about this (not much, though, I'm afraid). I so look forward to each of your posts. Some days I don't read other blogs at all, but I always read all of your entries if I've missed some, because I enjoy them that much.

I hope you feel better soon.


Virginia said...

I have let go a lot a lot of the common acceptable ideas of a successful life. For me, now, the simple moments are how I measure my path. . . taking the time to carry a bug outside instead of exterminating him, watching clouds pass over a full moon, ice cream in a bathtub, finding a moment to breath deeply, recognizing my animal and other spirit friends around me as I go through the day, and sending them acknowledgments and greetings.

Perhaps I am simple minded, but I think that simply trying to stay on a good path myself is an accomplishement that contributes to overall good.

Peace, Virginia