I can't put my finger on it ~ I'm just in one of those states where I am completely on the outs with everything and everyone.
Is it the terrible day I had at work yesterday, bad from beginning to end?
Is it the website I visited where most of the posters were talking confidently about "God's will" as something reflected by even the worst things that happen ~ a belief that I do not share and that, when articulated, always leaves me depressed and angry?
Is it the frustrations of parenting college-age children who seem as incapable of "getting with the program" as their mother has always been?
Is it the fact that, while several people visit my blog every day, few of them bother to leave a comment, thereby leaving instead the nagging feeling that I am wasting my time by trying to put one word after another?
Is it reading repeatedly about situations in which the responses are the polar opposite of my own?
Is it the Bush administration?
Is it that someone yesterday sent me Romans 8:28 ("We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose"), a verse that turns my stomach every time I hear it, since it was first said to me by someone attempting to offer comfort during the lowest period of my life and has therefore become for me an emblem of bad timing and devastatingly exclusionary theology ?
Is it the realization that I have accomplished exactly nothing NOTHING nothing in my 52 years and that, while I have been attributing my pathetic inability to show anything for my existence to the realities of mothering as I have practiced it, which has meant many fitful starts and stops as I have tried repeatedly to find a satisfactory way of merging my aspirations with the practical realities of daily life, maybe the simple truth is that I just never get around to finishing a single damn thing because I am such an extreme example of whatever Myers-Briggs permutation can't get anything done?
I don't know which feels like it is slipping away faster, my control over the details of my life or my capacity for shaping it into anything remotely resembling a creative whole.
Well. I wonder if that made me feel better. I'm going to take a shower and go to work.