I am writing this from, of all places, seminary. I drove over last night for a meeting; today I need to pay my six month old bookstore bill and try to see a few people.
The meeting was fine; I was fine; I was a participant; I made some great connections in the local community of spiritual directors. (Sorry, Stratoz.) If you've been reading, you know that as little as a week ago, none of that would have been possible.
Fine is a relative term, I suppose. The whole place seems surreal to me. How odd to walk around with a body, mind, and heart that have been completely shattered in a context that remains unchanged.
I still have no idea whether I can return to classes for the second quarter, which begins after Thanksgiving. Minute by minute, I guess, and eventually the minutes pile up into a day, and then another one, and another one.
11 comments:
fine is this moment. you'll see how you are the next moment. i'm feeling happy that there is a fine moment - even if it's on the surface or brief.
bean
blessings on you as you take it day by day, moment by moment, grieving and discerning...
Wow! I didn't know you were going to attempt a reentry - even briefly. I'm glad that it didn't feel impossible.
I do understand the surreal part. I am writing this from the library of the university that I attended more than 25 years ago as an undergraduate. It feels like a blink but then I catch sight of myself in a window or a bathroom mirror and it is all so confusing. Where did that old lady come from?
Your strength and courage... are examples for me to live by. (((0)))
One day at a time...moment by moment. You will do what feels right when it feels right. And you can always turn back.
You'll know.
all is forgiven, I think if it wasn't the exhaustion I am experiencing at this moment I would again be trying to discern a path to becoming a director...
as for deciding... I am all for the Jesuit discernment business, however, I am also a fan of uncertainty. It may prove to be the best or worst decision you will ever make in your life, or maybe you have made those already???
And how you feel about the decision will change too.... Today as the parking lot cleared, I sat in my classroom wondering about the million of decisions that led to me sitting there. Then I drove home and told Mosaic Woman I wanted some coffee and conversation before she went out for the evening, that was a good choice. at least I think so ;')
Peace, hope, and Joy
In response to the last few comments: I realized after reading them that, actually, I may not know.
And then, Stratoz, I started wishing Ignatous had written just one more section: how the rules for discernment apply, or don't, during times of extreme trauma.
And then I laughed: it would be nice to know, wouldn't it, that our worst ever life decisions are already behind us?
I do believe there is something in there about being careful about making huge decisions at certain times. Or at least a Jesuit told me that once.
I guess I'll go back to teaching tomorrow ;')
peace
No changes in desolation.
I'll write about it soon.
That's it. Hope is OK though.
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