Next Friday it will be October 5. Lisa Moore, the Funky Winkerbean character, is apparently going to die on Thursday, October 4. My mother and brother died on Wednesday, October 5, in 1960. I think it's going to be a full week for me and, since I usually write about my mother as the first week of October rolls around, this year I am planning to write about my brother instead.
In the meantime, I want to respond to this anonymous comment that appeared after one of my posts a few days ago, a post about juggling the demands of my life:
"i cannot seem to put myself first long enough to figure out something for me. I'm always holding back and evaluating: do I want this enough to make the impact on the rest that it will certainly make?"
What I am doing by going to seminary while my youngest goes to college is, of course, having a huge effect on my family. Although my husband and I have watched friends live apart for career reasons (mostly having to do with the conflict arising from wanting teenage children to stay in their schools when a parent's job moves to another city), the actual doing of it is quite different from the watching of it. The financial impact is tremendous. The uncertainty about the future, about whether I can even manage this, is a huge and tidal uncertainty -- wave upon wave of question upon question. The knowledge that I could be living a productive and contributory life without the massive effort involved in starting all over is always with me.
But this is, really, the only thing I can do. The only way I want to be right now. It really is living into the answer to a question: Will you?
In the meantime, I want to respond to this anonymous comment that appeared after one of my posts a few days ago, a post about juggling the demands of my life:
"i cannot seem to put myself first long enough to figure out something for me. I'm always holding back and evaluating: do I want this enough to make the impact on the rest that it will certainly make?"
What I am doing by going to seminary while my youngest goes to college is, of course, having a huge effect on my family. Although my husband and I have watched friends live apart for career reasons (mostly having to do with the conflict arising from wanting teenage children to stay in their schools when a parent's job moves to another city), the actual doing of it is quite different from the watching of it. The financial impact is tremendous. The uncertainty about the future, about whether I can even manage this, is a huge and tidal uncertainty -- wave upon wave of question upon question. The knowledge that I could be living a productive and contributory life without the massive effort involved in starting all over is always with me.
But this is, really, the only thing I can do. The only way I want to be right now. It really is living into the answer to a question: Will you?
If we all make it and come out the other end, we will all be changed in momentous ways that we won't understand for a long time.
And regardless of the outcome, we will have paid attention to the October 4ths and 5ths of our lives, and lived as wildly and expansively and lovingly as possible in the sure knowledge that those days do come, for every single one of us.
And regardless of the outcome, we will have paid attention to the October 4ths and 5ths of our lives, and lived as wildly and expansively and lovingly as possible in the sure knowledge that those days do come, for every single one of us.
6 comments:
Ah, this is so beautiful, gannet girl. Yes, we have but one life (that we know of, anyway), one life that is meant to flourish--wildly and expansively and lovingly, as you say.
God is smiling, I'm sure.
Praying for you next week, especially.
(o)
What a touching post. My mom died on Oct 4th, which was also her parents anniversary. They all died within 9 months of each other.
My 4 month post-seminary reflection on change: Seminary was tough...I should of had stock in Kleenex...I felt like I was in exile and on an exodus...and I was. Would I do it all again: Yes!!! My world views was expanded in so many ways and the courses in spirituality and the spiritual direction program I am completing were worth it.
Another beautiful post, GG, that shows just why you are meant to do what you're doing. You will be an amazing pastor and spirtual care provider; you already are. You'll be in my thoughts during the coming week.
oh...living by faith is a phrase thrown around so much we sometimes forget it wasn't Hallmark that came up with it...that in fact it is a truth that we do everyday wake up, get out of bed, & step into the world to live by faith. hang in there... and know in a gazillion different ways we're all passing through our private octobers too.
Prayers for you in this week of remembrance. In living out your "yes" one day at a time there is struggle but also such faith in that promise of "life more abundant." Testimony and witness it is!
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