I have to preach in my Homiletics (preaching) class today. We are supposed to memorize our sermons. As a result of that expectation, I have spent far too much time attempting to accomplish the impossible at the expense of other work. I appreciate that reading or even glancng at one's text too frequently is an unfortunate substitute for real preaching but ~ our gifts do vary. I have tried working from an outline, but I forget a different chunk each time I try. And now, having been through the thing some 40-50 times, I have lost all sense of spontaneity and pleasure in it. As is so often the case at this stage of life, I have to accomodate the expectations of others and simultaneously translate them into something realistic and appropriate to who I am.
Which brings me to my general sigh about my seminary experience. I have had some wonderful educational opportunites here, but it is definitely a place for a younger and more conservative crowd. There are rigidities in place which work well for young people whose lives demand little else in the way of responsibility, and not much recognition that those of us with other demands in our lives also bring other gifts to the table. The theological perspective across the board? ~ I am told by many of the younger folks that it's middle-of-the-road, but from where I sit: hardly. A friend mentioned a few weeks ago that it can be necessary for (ahem) "older" students to feel that we have to shrink ourselves in a multitude of ways in order to make it through, which I found to be an apt description. It's too bad ~ I remember law school as a time of growth and expansiveness, rather than limitation and diminishment. I'm not sure how much of that is due to the different view which life experience brings with it, but I had hoped for the opposite here.
On the plus side, I am auditing Christology (yes, the subject against which I railed last quarter) with a professor new to the school, and the experience is a dramatically different one. Perhaps I am intrigued by theology, after all. (I had concluded that it was not for me.)
And . . . the fabulous intership I had planned for this year, destroyed by our son's death, is not an opportunity available to me again, so I am also having to spend an inordinate amount of time coming up with an alternative. I should be finishing my essays for the next stage in the ordination process, but I am spending the time allocated for that on phone calls and emails and interviews that go nowhere. Without the required field ed position next year (my last), there is no point in returning ~ a reality which is having a profoundly negative effect on my motivation in general.
And so am I responding to all of this in a productive and useful way? I think not! I am blogging!
I am going out for a walk and yet another run-through of the now-dreaded sermon. At least it's a beautiful morning.
16 comments:
Gannett, I'm so sorry about the shrinking. That seems so opposite of how it should be-- that we become fuller, and freer.
Particularly disappointing given the richness and depth of the woman you seem to be.
Your post made me think of something that I'd read about Buechner. It seems that, in the process of becoming a minister, one of the requirements was to be associated with a denomination of some sort. Apparently, Buechner basically just picked one in order to jump through that hoop. Sounds like you have a few hoops that require jumping through. I have a feeling that whether and however you choose to go through them, you will be ministering to people one way or another. You already do, you know.
GG, from what I've read of you here, I would listen to one of your sermons whether you read it directly or winged it. What happens if you don't memorize? Do you fail the course or do they dock you a few points? I say, do what feels right for you and p*ss on the marks. :)
Mich
Preach from your heart. You have a beautiful gift of sharing what you feel.
i agree with Daisy - do what you want to do and are able to do today - this is your seminary experience, no one else's - you are allowed to make of it what you will....the older i get the more theses types of restrictions rub me the wrong way! i know your sermon will astound the socks off of all those "youngens" in your class....:)
I'm so sorry it's not a life-giving experience.
On your internship--(I cant access my email addressbook, so I'm not emailing you)--does it have to be in/near your town? Does it have to pay? If the answers are no, and you can wait until I see if I'm still going to be here, you can come work with me. And live in my upstairs.
It's joan calvin here, since I'm not signed to blogger either
How much we allow ourselves to be squished into place, and how much we should have to squish are questions in my life right now, too, just with fewer external consequences.
I am reminded that Karl Rahner's theology thesis was rejected and that the Carthusian order requires that homilies be read.
I read my first. It seems to have been fine.
May the knots untangle...
As someone whom I've come to know as a lover of learning and knowledge, I can imagine how the narrow views and doctrine are feeling to you and am sorry that is what this experience is feeling like right now. I agree that religious study should be about broadening ones perspectives and the options of numerous points of view.
And I agree with those who have suggested that you "wing it" with your sermon. I can think of very few speakers, of any ilk, who are able to speak completely from memory without any notes, outline, or keyword prompts.
As for the internship, my gut tells me that something will come through for you when you least expect it. An organization would be foolish not to want you. Is money as a result of the economy the stumbling block right now?
I hope the fresh air from your walk rekindled something within you this morning and that you were able to enjoy the rest of the day.
you speak well of the reasons I opted to go to jazz concerts and my stained glass studio instead of graduate school when I explored some options last year. all said friendly to older folk, but I wondered what they spoke of.
as for forgetting something in the sermon... Dare I ask, will anyone know that you had left out a piece. I hope it can become fun for you.
Grrrrrrr. It absolutely drives me nuts when anyone--especially a homiletics prof--assumes that preaching without a manuscript is the only real way. Some people are great at it, and plenty aren't but think it is the mark of a "real" preacher so do it anyway. However, some of us are good preachers **with** a text, better than without. I spend a lot of time crafting my words, and I use a manuscript skillfully. I do 4 school chapel sermons a week with no text, so I have the ability; I just know I'm best with those prayerfully planned words in front of me. That's using my gifts best, and it sounds like the same is true for you. Sorry you are stuck with the requirement.
I'm sorry about the hoops you're having to jump through, and I'm sorry they don't appreciate your gifts, which are many.
Hugs to you.
I don't know how long Prespyterian sermons are, but I've witnessed many a 45-minute Pentecostal sermon... As I recall, the pastors referred to notes, but did not read. And, I'll bet they left out big chunks, but we couldn't tell, since we didn't know what they had planned to say.
I believe it was a matter of having faith that whatever they ended up saying was what God wanted to get across...
...and I really do know how to spell Presbyterian...just not after a fourteen-hour day... :P
The idea that a minister shouldn't use an outline or notes is bizarre to me. I'm a college professor, and although I would never dream of reading a lecture right off the page, I would also never consider standing up in class without (at the very least) a solid outline of my topic.
One thing that helped me as I jumped through hoops in graduate school was remembering that when I became a professor, I could do things my way. Can you memorize what you need to for the class, and resolve that when preaching in real life, you'll do what you want?
I wonder if the blogging about it might actually turn out to be productive & useful after all?
I remember thinking that undergrad school was a waste on me at 18, yet grateful I did it then because I wouldn't have been able to bear all those stupid hoops at a more mature stage. How much more frustrating that would be in seminary.
Courage. Prayers for what comes next.
Pick any piece that you have written on A Desert Year and it is far, far better than the average sermon delivered by a degreed and ordained minister--whether memorized or not.
You are a person of enormous insight and sensibilities. Your skills as a writer are unparalled. Get through school to get what you need from it and don't let it diminish you.
And...doesnt the school have some obligation to help you find the internship you need--especially in view of the reason you could not complete the one you had planned...
Thanks for the compliment, Anon - but really,you can go over to RevGals and read dozens of fabulous sermons every week.
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