Monday, October 06, 2008

Five Weeks Almost

Ansel Adams

I'm worn out. I looked up synonyms for "depleted." Drained, sapped, impoverished, bankrupted. They all apply.

We went to a family wedding this past week-end, a beautiful event that went off without a hitch and was surely one of the most difficult celebrations I have ever endured.

I have to do some very much harder things in the next two weeks.

And somehow, as Lisa says, I have to continue to place one foot in front of another on the journey that goes from here to the new way of carrying it all.

For now,

I can't write publicly anymore. Cynthia says there is no comfort. And it is becoming impossible to describe a geography where the terrain is so desolate and the silence so immense.

I will let some of Mary Oliver's words, written after the death of her partner of many years, open the door to my hiatus. I am nowhere near the final verses that speak of laughter and admiration. Maybe someday. I am, I suppose, practicing.

********************

Heavy

~ by Mary Oliver

That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had His hand in this,

as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel
(brave even among the lions),
"It's not the weight you carry

but how you carry it --
books, bricks, grief --
it's all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,
put it down."
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?

Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?

How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe

also troubled --
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love to which there is no reply?









27 comments:

Carol said...

{{{{{{{{Robin}}}}}}}}} Come back when you're able. Until then, heal at the pace and in the manner which feels right for you. You continue in my thoughts.

"PS" (a.k.a. purple) said...

As you "Search the Sea" for healing know that many go with you.

Quotidian Grace said...

((((GG)))))

Do what feels right for you. You will continue in my prayers.

Sarah S-D said...

((((gg)))) we'll be here whenever you're ready. take all the time you need. countless prayers are lifted for you every day.

RevDrKate said...

Will be praying on for you. ((0))

Cynthia said...

Silent hugs and prayers my friend. I'm five months in, and it's still desolate, but I laughed last night without forcing it. It wasn't that unknown, scary laugh that's erupted from me. It didn't last long, but it was there.

Ellyn said...

Sending my prayers with you.

bean said...

all that matters is what is right for you. come back when you feel like it. {{}}

Kathryn J said...

I really must have a book of Mary Oliver's poetry. You will be missed. The hiatus is not the surprise but rather that you have written at all.

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back." It will be a rough enough journey in and of itself. I'm hoping that additional trials will be few.

Presbyterian Gal said...

I'll still be with you in prayer.

Love,
PG

Rev SS said...

As Kathryn said, "The hiatus is not the surprise but rather that you have written at all."

You will continue to be in my prayers too. (((((o)))))

Kathryn said...

We'll keep on praying here too - but not in the least surprised that writing is simply not manageable for now.
Love and blessings go with you on this hard hard road.

Dr. Rural said...

You are in my prayers.

Magdalene6127 said...

We will be here, holding you in prayer, until you are ready to return. And if you choose not to return, we will be here holding in prayer anyway.

(((((GG)))))

Stratoz said...

hello

peace

Lisa :-] said...

(((((Robin)))))

Love you.

And waiting for you...

alphawoman said...

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. My SIL went through this some years ago and I realize the healing process is long.

Ellen said...

To be honest, I don't know how you have done all you have done after this tragic thing in your life. I admire your...shoot, I don't even know what to call it...so I'll just say I admire you.

Do what you need to do to help yourself heal. Having been through the loss of many loved ones, I know that time is about the best balm that there is. God bless you on this dark journey.

alto artist said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am reading your words out in this big sea, and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

--aa.

Paintdancer said...

Ecclesiastes 7:1- The day of death is better than the day of birth.

Hold on to that thought. We are trapped here in a darkened world that gets darker and darker every day. But one day the darkness will end for all of us, as well as the tears. Your precious son is already there, and I believe he'll welcome you one day to the place where sorrow and fear cannot enter. We cannot comprehend the freedom and joy that comes from losing these heavy bodies that suffer so greatly. but some day we we shall.

Peace, my prayers have been with you and will continue for you and your family.

steve said...

Just wanted to add my prayers for you as well during this difficult time.

Cathy said...

((((GG)))))) Praying for you. My heart is heavy for you.

Mary Beth said...

Praying, always.

Christina K. Brown said...

with the things going on in my own world...I just saw the pain in yours...

Any person's worst nightmare.

May God hold you close in the palm of His hand and whisper just what your heart needs to hear.

Truly.

Beach Walkin said...

I prayed for you today.

LawAndGospel said...

((GG)) You will continue to be lifted up in prayer for healing and consolation in whatever forms you need.

Theresa Williams said...

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night...You--only you--will have stars that can laugh!"

And he laughed again.

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me."

--The Little Prince

xxxox
Hugs.